I come from a broken family, on many more levels than one. I lived through a childhood of physical, verbal, psychological abuse and neglect, by the hands of my own “mother & father”. Yet, it is often said..”Blood is thicker than water”, “nothing else matters but family”, and “But that’s your mom/dad/siblings, you’ve got to forgive them”.
At what point do you release those binds of “family ties”, of claiming them as “family”? When do you say, “my life is better off without you in it!” And move on.
I believe you pick your family, friends can be better brothers than your own flesh & blood. I am thankful enough to have at least experienced a “brotherhood” through friendships. I never bought in to the whole “family” always comes first, possibly because my father left when I was a toddler, I never knew him or his whole side of family. Or it could be cause I was raised by an abusive step-father. Which I was lied too and told was my father and then, on the day he had to leave our home cause of the divorce they orchestrated behind my back, disappears from my life forever, never to be seen or heard from again. I get told the truth that very same day that he isn’t my real father and no one knows where my real one is. So I get told I’ve been living a lie, and even my last name wasn’t my “real” name, and get this, the church/school I went too was also in on this elaborate lie. I get to face the facts, I’ve been living a lie and my father had abandoned me. Boo Whoo! It made me grow up fast, learned to do without, became self-reliant to a fault. Became my own rolemodel, became my own hero! For this Im thankful, I didn’t need a fatherly figure in my life, I let life teach me the hard way, and I grew from it, what didn’t kill me, made me stronger, I grew wiser from experience. I had learned lifes valuable lessons through trial & error.
Now when I say my mother didn’t know where my father was, I didnt mean, she didn’t know who my father was… they were married for years prior to me, and he stuck around for about 8 months before coming home, held me hostage, told my mother she would never see me again unless she signed a contract saying she’d never go after him for child support or alimony. So she signed, he disappeared and his whole family went with him. At least that’s the story from my mother, but who knows what really happenes when your little, you only remember what you remember living through, the rest, you hope, is a truthful history of events told by none other than your “family”.
But family has ment about the same to me as someone saying they like pizza. “Great! Good for you, what’s your point???”Am I suppose to like you more??
Now I may be ranting & complaining a lot about “family”, this by no means is referencing “MY” family, which when I use that term “MY” I refer directly to my wife & kids. They are, and always be my reason for existence. I love my wife & kids unconditionally. That’s why I walk from these caustic situations/people. As for those that are my true friends, I don’t have friends, I have family! Again, I don’t consider them titled “friends”, once I let them into my circle they are beyond that, so I use the term “family” there as well.
While on my rant of “family”, I hate when family members say to you”Well, you know how to reach me, just call!” And yet they make no attempt ever to reach out too you. Like they don’t own a phone, it goes both ways. Yet it never does, family, in MY case, always expects the calls one way. No weekly talks, not even monthly, or yearly. Unless I drop a call, which I can predict the entire conversation is going to be about “non-specific worldly news, weather reports and how the pets are doing.”, then they say, “well it sounds like your busy Im going to let you go now…” (Though your alone in a quiet room with no disturbance what so ever), or “well I don’t want you to have to pay a huge phone bill, I’ll let you go now” ( though It’s unlimited mins and FREE).
I think maybe they could make a phone call for once would be nice, a letter, a Facebook post/reply, a text, a email…something, anything that shows they are interested in mine and my families life. I’d expect them to not only invite my son to their house but also my step-kids as well, not segregate them, or view them different cause they “technically/legally” aren’t my kids. I’d expect them to be respectful of me and my family and not attempt to dismantle my marriage through manipulation and lies. I’d expect to not have stories made up and made me out to be a crazy person.
I’d think anyone would expect those things, most of which probably aren’t an issue for most “healthy” families.
But I don’t have a healthy family, or accepting in-laws, Im shown little respect by either side. I have in-laws that treat me different just cause I don’t share their same religious beliefs and am practically ignored in my own home as well as at theirs.
I’ve attempted to have relationships with my brother & sister in-laws, just to be shut down, cause “lifes too busy” and they don’t have time or energy for a simple text or anything.
I have a mother who refuses to admit her mistakes and subjecting me to abuse by her & my step-fathers hand, and would rather make me out as “delusional” and go behind my back and lie to my kids calling me crazy and deny my upbringing and life than agree with me saying I was abused.
I have a father who abandoned me and never made contact, who later had 2 kids of his own, who I had only learned about through the wonders of the World Wide Web. Made contact with them cause I wanted them to know that they had a 1/2 brother, which in turn lead to contact with my father. Then be lied and manipulated into moving states and leaving everyone & thing behind just to “get to know them better” and live in a house of strangers, who were “family” either by blood or marriage to a member of my bloodline. Just to live as a prisoner in a home that padlocked refrigerators and went through my things, to stalking me at my place of business to ensure my location, to verbally berate me and constantly put me down referencing me as a “let down” a “failure” and someone they wished never existed.
Then have a 1/2 brother & sister make themselves appear to stay neural, between the drama, yet never defending you and even used you as an excuse, blamed you for everything they were doing wrong, instead of being 100% responsible for their own actions. Which had added to the strain and hostilities being commited on you.
They even had the heating in the basement room i was staying in turned off on me during the winter. I created a tent on my own bed to attempt to retain heat. I was even forced to stay in that room which had a known carbon monoxide leak in it.
It was not an enjoyable time of life nor was it something I’d wish repeating. Yet it was a chance to get to know that side of the “family”, I never knew. Now I do, and Im done with it, done with all of them. I gave chances to those that could of been rectified and continued. I mailed the cards, returned the texts, I stated my case and what I required for a continued relationship, but to no avail. I’d be told, It’s over,rather than an effort to fix it. I’d get no returned letters, or calls, I’d get no visits, nothing. I feel I gave more than enough chances to those that might of worked out. But that ship has sailed, years have past, time and life has moved on. And It’s been better without them all. Healthier, more optimistic, It’s been a relief.
Am I wrong for this? Would you want your mother lying to your kids, or denying any abuse you factually lived through? Making you out to be a lier to your own wife & kids?
Would you want a father, though absent from most of your life by choice, you gave a second chance, just to humiliate and degrade you and make you feel worthless every chance he got? Threatened you, told you he could do anything he wanted and could manipulate anyone, including your 1/2 brother & sister into hating you and hurting you and your family?
Would you want someone who spies on you, collects information only to give it to the very people your trying to avoid and protect your family & kids from, Even if they were your “family”?
I have to stand up for MY family (wife & kids), and have to protect them from caustic people, people that could
manipulate and harm them just as they had done to me. I have to protect my family at all costs, and if that means breaking the binds of so called “family”, it becomes not even a question at all, It simply has to happen.
As years have pasted, People start saying, “maybe they changed”, “they grew up and realized their mistakes”, “their your family…”, and expect me to keep my arms open and heart forgiving. But when is enough? When do you let go and move on even though It’s your family your letting go?
I’m beginning to view this situation like those people who though are abused, and know that they are being abused, makes excuses into staying with those very people who do harm unto them, who holds a faith that that person will one day stop beating them. Days pass, beating continue, weeks turn to months, promises of change constantly ensues, beatings continue, apologies given, and yet, more beatings…years pass, you hope they will change… When do you walk?
Some will say, “the first time”, others “the second”,but when is that line drawn in the sand and not crossed again?
I feel like that becomes how we view abusive, caustic family members, we make excuses and forgive and keep them as “family”, in hopes they change while constantly being beaten.
So what if you did walk, lived a happier life for it, just to have a random text, years latter, to be told “I was young and dumb, I was stressed out & trying to balance a lot in my life”. So, NOW what are you suppose to say, “oh It’s cool thanks for saying that welcome back!”?
I don’t think so, I don’t think time heals all, you dont forget what was done, the abuse, the harm, the betrayal and lies. You may forgive, but You never forget. You can forgive someone and still move on. No one says in order to “forgive” you have to keep them in your life.
Too harsh? Family is family right? Just let it go… Tell that to a girl who’s just been raped by her uncle or father, “let it go”, he was juggling a lot in his life at that time, he was dumb for doing it”. See how far that conversation gets you! Or those parents who “forgive” a spouse that killed their kid(s). I just don’t get it, maybe I’m not capable of “accepting” people who betrayed me or purposely hurt me. I’m not going to let them do it to my family, and kids. They did it too me, but I’m not letting them have the chance to do it to them.
Sure, tell me Im paranoid, or that “I don’t know what will or won’t happen.”, okay, but would you take that chance? Would you let a stranger off the street babysit your kid? Now what if I told you that “stranger” was your mother you never knew? You wanna take that chance now? Ok, how about this, you know that woman is your mother, and you know what abuse she put you through as a child and yet she denies anything happening too you…would you leave your kid with her?
I can’t afford anything happening to my kids, I can’t risk it, the risk is too high.So for me, the answer is NO, regardless of blood ties.
I’m sorry folks, but my kids come before me and my bloodline. I don’t give a (expletive) if we are related in some way, shape or form, if you don’t respect me, if i don’t trust you, then your NOT going to be in mine or my kids life.
Folk, Faith & Family…goes a long way when the respect, courage, loyalty, fidelity, hospitality, perseverance and truth are present and prevail. Without those, your no folk, faith or family of mine.
Is that a bad thing? Questions, Comments & Concerns??? List them, please…I know I have a tiny audience on this blog, your opinions & thoughts are always welcome.
Thanks for taking the time to read my rants, but hey, how else am I going to keep you up on current events.
A Wyrd Place 
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